Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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