after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
