he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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