I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
