pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
