I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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