My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
