how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
