ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
