i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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