i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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