Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
