he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
