can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
