my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
