I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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