Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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