If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
