And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
