I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
