What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize