she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize