after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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