I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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