My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
