I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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