she sounds like chewbacca in bed
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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