Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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