its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
