Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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