I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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