life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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