A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
