I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
