My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
