i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize