guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
