Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize