shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
