I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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