i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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