I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
