Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
