I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
