A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
