pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
