and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
