you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
