seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
