So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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