If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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