After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
