The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
