She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
