i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
