apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize