I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Your cock deserves a montage
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
