Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
