I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
