You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
