Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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