I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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