i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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