He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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